Pleasant parting thoughts

Well, embarrassed as I am to admit it, it turns out I don't have a maggot living in my bum. And it turns out that this is definitely BAD NEWS. What I have is a very, very badly infected abscess, and in hindsight I can’t help but wonder what possessed me to write a post about my ailment in the first place. Having an unusual tropical disease is one thing to write home about, but when it turns out that it's simply a misdiagnosed boil – probably inflicted by that incredibly stealthy travelling fungus I mentioned – a boil that became an angry fiend the day I tried to extract it from my body – flying wildly in the face of all medical advice – in short, a self-inflicted ordeal, then it becomes a rather more embarrassing story altogether.

So now my bum is the colour of a ripe tomato and the consistency of a rock, I’m unable to sit down since the old-fashioned Belgian doctor I went to pulled out a razor blade and cut through my skin (no anaesthetic, needless to say), I've had two penicillin injections, and I'm on a horse's dose of antibiotics for the third time this year. Welcome to Africa.

I’m told that abscesses are a natural defensive reaction caused by white blood cells flooding to the area and healthy cells building some kind of protective wall. Since most of my knowledge of human biology is based on those cartoons I used to watch as a kid where white blood cells were depicted as friendly guys in a carpenter’s uniform rushing around the body to fix things, I now have visions of these guys busily knocking and drilling away inside me while singing, “C’est la vie! C’est la vie!” (I watched the French version).

I suppose I should be grateful that my body is reacting so swiftly and thoroughly. I suppose I should be grateful that this is by far the single most protracted and unwavering pain I've ever suffered. And I should definitely be grateful that I can afford proper medical care – read what one traditional Congolese doctor did to this unfortunate soul.

Tomorrow we’re off to Malawi for the holidays. I desperately welcome the change of scene, although I can’t quite face sitting in an aeroplane for 2 days (we’re going via Ethiopia).

Meanwhile, just to distract you from my embarrassing ailments, here’s another pleasant parting thought. Do you remember Mama Cat? Well, last month Mama Cat had another litter of adorable kittens (five). And on Monday, Mama Cat was found missing in action. Turns out Mama Cat made a nice Sunday brunch for our neighbours the Police. Nice, eh? And this was after I made a total fuss when one of our guards inadvertently dropped a sofa on one of the kittens, almost killing it in the process – they must have thought I was mad to care so much.

So off I go to feed the kittens. Good night!